Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
024520081214

To:
Women who choose pictures of themselves without their fiances for the NY Times' Weddings & Celebrations section

Claim:
Doesn't really seem like that auspicious a way to herald the union.









Claim No.:
024420081213

To:
The Florida Economy

Claim:
Hey Wake Up!!!









Claim No.:
031020090113

To:
The producers of 24

Claim:
In the more than a year you had to plan for season seven you met with senior members of the military establishment who asked you not to continue writing the show as if torture always works, because this gruesome fallacy has been warping military attitudes and training. But so far the only clear message I have gleaned from season seven is that effective intelligence agents are those who discover the wonders and reliability of torture.

What the hell is wrong with you? Torture doesn't work. Artistic freedom is important. But torture doesn't work. Absolutely, the show is fiction. But torture doesn't work. Why are you guys so obsessed with the efficacy of torture when torture doesn't work?

I have a theory. The plotting and writing on your show are so poor that like generations of mediocre dramatists before you, you are in constant need of some deus ex machina to extricate the narrative from the dead ends in which your writers leave themselves. You have chosen torture. Torture is your god, your ace in the hole, and your crutch.

The reign of your kind of logic ended January 20. Shape up or ship out.









Claim No.:
034120090122

To:
Northern Rock Bank, UK

Claim:
Northern Rock has lost millions of pounds (sterling) and has been bailed out by the British Government. The staff were inept enough to lose money in a serious and dramatic way. They had to be rescued by the Government--so now it's a nationalised company. And now they are awarding their staff a bonus of £9m.

Am I the only one who feels that awarding bad practice is a bad practice?









Claim No.:
029920090109

To:
It's Tops Coffee Shop, San Francisco, CA

Claim:
I love diners, and I want to love It's Tops. You've got a good burger, a classic interior and a nice view from the booths. But I've only been to you two times in the five years I have lived here. It's not that I haven't tried because I have. Every time I have (except twice), you've been closed. You have very undiner-like hours. I often walk up to your door only to see the lights off. I call and it goes straight to voicemail. I try to listen to the recording stating your hours, but it makes my head hurt and I hang up. Maybe your unconventional hours make you you. But it's keeping us apart.









Claim No.:
039320090128

To:
Georgetown Men's Basketball

Claim:
You're doing that thing you do again.

Jan 17, at Duke, L 67-76
Jan 22, v. West Virginia, L 58-75
Jan 25, at Seton Hall, L 60-65
Jan 28, at Cincinnati, L 65-57
Jan 31 at Marquette, L 82-94

Namely: foundering on the court, plummeting in the rankings, and disappointing your fans.









Claim No.:
033720090122

To:
Rafael Nadal

Claim:
Dear Rafa,

One day we will be BFFs, I'm sure of it. Yep, BFFs, all four of us: you, me, and your left and right biceps.









Claim No.:
035720090123

To:
Charter Communications, Picayune, Mississippi

Claim:
To Charter:

The residents of St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana find it disturbingly inconvenient that your organization refuses to offer to its customers Cox Sports Television as part of any of its cable plans. We in St. Tammany are unable to view any of the New Orleans Hornets basketball games, which is not only a crime to your paying customers, but to the Hornets organization.

Give your customers what they want: Cox Sports Television. Or everyone with cable in St. Tammany Parish will soon be canceling their cable subscription with Charter and switch to the Dish Network.









Claim No.:
034020090122

To:
Al Gore

Claim:
The internet is slow.









Claim No.:
024320081212

To:
The people of La Cañada Flintridge, terrorized by peacocks

Claim:
You need to get with the people of Micanopy Ave. in Miami, FL. They too have dealt with the peacock scourge. Maybe by banding together you can discover a way to combat these foul creatures and beat back this latest sign of the coming environmental apocalypse.

Related:
City Attorney Julie O. Bru, Miami, FL







Claim No.:
027520081228

To:
Polaroid

Claim:
I guess it was inevitable. Kodak killed slide film and the slide projector years ago. But something about the end of chemical-based "instant" photography is an even more melancholy inducing end to 2008 than the death of the domestic auto industry, the collapse of my 401k, or the emergence of Sarah Palin.









Claim No.:
028220081230

To:
Treat Salon, Fillmore Street, San Francisco

Claim:
Natasha Warton gives the best hair cut of any professional I've known. She is extremely talented and I LOVE her. Her services are expensive, but totally worth it. However, I have one major complaint about actually getting into Natasha's chair. For the past few years, I have had different hairstyles, some of which require more maintenance than others. Natasha often gives me a cut that will last months, but my bangs grow out within weeks and I need to have them trimmed.

Numerous individuals who answer your phone have increasingly over the years given me more and more attitude when I try to schedule a "bang shaping" instead of a "hair cut." Today was the last straw. I was told by the woman who answered the phone that actually, I was due for a hair cut and could not book a bang trim because Natasha is raising her prices and is only offering bang appointments to those people who only want to cut their bangs. Natasha cut my hair just three weeks ago and I also paid for a $200 permanent wave. She told me to just come in next time to get my bangs cut. Same salon--two totally different messages!

It is clear that the management at your salon frowns on the less lucrative, 15-minute bang appointment. 1) I pay a fortune for Natasha's services and always tip well. I expect to always be treated with respect and for the people on the phone to be courteous and accommodating. I'm not asking for anything your own employee didn't encourage me to ask for. 2) If Natasha says I should come back in a few weeks for a bang trim, why does the woman at the front desk, who doesn't know anything about me or my haircut, tell me I am due for a haircut? What she's really saying is the salon would like me to pay $100 again, and not $25. 3) Because of the attitude, for a while I was attempting to trim my bangs myself. Natasha told me to stop doing that. Neither way is satisfactory--either I have crappy self-cut bangs, or I have to deal with bitchy people on the phone who make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. 4) What I most want Treat to understand is that those of us who schedule bang trims are not doing so to save money--rather, I just need my bangs cut and nothing more! And if you fail to allow Natasha to provide that service, I'm going to unfortunately have to go elsewhere. I would hope someone in the hair business would understand the intricacies surrounding this issue. Being courteous to me when I need a minor service only means I will be that much more willing to pay the big bucks when it's time for the big stuff.









Claim No.:
030320090111

To:
Hyundai

Claim:
Best Car of the Year at the Detroit Auto Show?

Congratulations. You are inspiring downtrodden middleschoolers taunted on playgrounds across the world.









Claim No.:
029420090107

To:
David Rooney, Curator of Timekeeping, Royal Observatory, Greenwich

Claim:
Dear Mr. Rooney,

Thank you for the prompt reply to the anonymous postcard I submitted. And let me first say: you, sir, do not suck. Or, rather, I have no reason to believe that you do suck, and will continue to have no reason until disabused. My original post was intended for the recipient "2008." The administrators of this site seem to have sent it to you in error, and now, 2008 no longer being with us, it is too late to correct their mistake. I'm sorry about most of that.

Listen though. While I have you here I have a few questions. I'd like to know, for instance, what the Curator of Timekeeping does. Could you walk us through a typical day? Are there lots of instruments to check, faders to move up and down, gears to keep un-mucked--that sort of thing? Or do you spend your time in endless meetings hashing out daylight savings questions and discussing the asynchronicities in the lunar and solar calendars? And (it occurs to me now) if those meetings are excessively boring, as many business meetings, in my opinion, tend to be--do you spend the whole time watching the clock? If so, can anyone fault you? Isn't that, after all, pretty much your job description?

A few more questions bubble up: What sort of watch does a fellow like you wear? And do they pay you to wear it, as sports stars are paid to wear particular athletic shoes?

What, exactly, does one study to get your job? If you were advising a young person, still wet behind the ears, who wanted to pursue a career in something temporal, where might you tell them to start?

Congrats on getting that extra second in at the end of the year. It was seamless. And thanks for all you do. Can't imagine where we'd be if time were left to run wild and unsupervised. Again, my sincere apologies about the mix up on the first postcard. And a very very happy 2009 to you.

[A reply has been posted]

Related:
2008







Claim No.:
031920090116

To:
Former President George W. Bush

Claim:
There are no words.




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