Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
037320090125

To:
Yong Nam, CEO, LG Electronics, Seoul

Claim:
Please take responsibility for the mildew your front loading washing machines create. The water collects under the rubber gasket seal and icky stuff grows. It's really hard to clean it out, and my clothes get stinky when they are supposed to be clean!









Claim No.:
041320090202

To:
Fisher Price, East Aurora, NY

Claim:
About the Elmo phone you're having problems with that's supposed to say "4, 5, 6," but which some parents are complaining actually says "Who wants to have sex?"

Completely understandable. With those goofy character voices anything's possible.

When I was seven I had a stuffed Kermit that I'm pretty sure was supposed to say something like "Hey Piggy, do you want to play?" Only I always heard "Give me a blowjob!"

Which wouldn't really even have made any sense, because that puppet was a eunuch. But there you go. Misunderstandings happen.









Claim No.:
044020090221

To:
Janan New, Director, San Francisco Apartment Association

Claim:
Tight credit or no, after the next big earthquake is not the time for your members to start retrofitting their at-risk apartment buildings.

"Our primary goal is to make our tenants safe, and the mayor's intentions are good and our intentions are good, but financing is the third leg on the stool on this issue" (SF. Chronicle).

"We want to keep our tenants safe, but we're fearful in this economy. No one is going to get financing for construction in this market" (NY Times).

What have they been doing for the past two decades--since 1989--while construction financing was cheap?

Tell your people to stop complaining and shore 'em up.









Claim No.:
034820090122

To:
Jerry, Cashier at Target
Casper, WY

Claim:
When I lived in Casper, I used to go to Target ALL the time. I ended up in your line most of those times. And each time, you were pleasant, friendly and smiling. And I mean every single time. These few simple things are a pleasure to come across as customer service seems to be severely lacking in, well, customer service these days. And I'm not reminiscing over "old" days; I'm only 30. Your young co-workers have much to learn from you. Thank you!









Claim No.:
029820090109

To:
Intelligent design advocates

Claim:
The universe's incredible complexity may be evidence of some kind of design process, but if anything it argues against a single intelligent, much less omniscient and omnipotent, designer.









Claim No.:
042120090209

To:
Airtran Airways, Atlanta, GA

Claim:
You lost my luggage. I was stuck in an incredibly cold place without anything warm to wear. It was snowing. I called your lost baggage department to check on my claim many times but all I got was a voicemail box. I asked you to call me back ASAP because I was very cold. I left my cell phone number but no one called. It ruined one whole day of a four day business trip.

What am I supposed to say--hello, I'm here to give you a Powerpoint presentation in my sweatpants?









Claim No.:
043920090221

To:
Betty Currie, President Clinton's former secretary

Claim:
Dear Ms. Currie,

Condolences on the death of Socks. We will never know how many stray messes you cleaned up for the Clintons, but Socks was obviously a very lucky cat to have had you to take responsibility for him.

Sincerely,
Your fellow devoted pet lovers









Claim No.:
029620090109

To:
The people who voted yes on CA Proposition 8

Claim:
I'm still pissed off at you people.









Claim No.:
034320090122

To:
Solly's Bagelry, Vancouver, BC

Claim:
Dear Solly's Bagelry,

I really love your bagels. I would even go as far to say that they are the best bagels in Vancouver, or BC even, maybe all of Canada. You see, I should know, because I'm from New York, too. It wasn't until after four months of bemoaning the sorry state of bagels in this city that I finally happened upon yours. I go there when I feel homesick and eat a tuna-bagel sandwich and a bowl of matzo ball soup.

Which brings us to my one complaint. Your pickles. I am a ravenous pickle eater. I live for pickles, though in Vancouver they are clearly in the dark when it comes to quality picklecraft. Perhaps I expected too much, what with your otherwise perfect New York-style lunch foods, but hot-pack? Really? Rubbery, translucent pickles? And they kind of taste like lavender, which is interesting but not delicious.

I humbly request that you consider switching to another brand, maybe Claussen or Ba-Tampte. I would ask you this myself, but I saw you one time and you looked scary.









Claim No.:
037620090126

To:
Pia Merete Kjærsgaard, Leader of the Danish Peoples Party

Claim:
At some point you will have to go with the flow and embrace what's around you. If not, the world will seem much more like a steamroller than a gentle, tickly breeze.









Claim No.:
040220090130

To:
Samsung

Claim:
I have one of your cellular phones. It's a flippy model. It does most of what I want it to, I guess. I occasionally send text messages, and there's one thing that bothers me. I like to use t-9 predictive text. And every time I type the numerical combination 8-6, I obviously mean "to." Your telephone's prediction, however, is invariably "um."

I do not mean "um!" Even if my speech is infected by such verbal effluvia, I have no intention of either wasting two of my precious 160 characters on it or making people notice it.

On the off chance that I did want to convey some sort of indecision and actually write, "um," I'd much rather click through to it on those occasions than have to click through to "to" every single time.

And I refuse to write "2" (which takes more keystrokes even than getting to "to") unless I absolutely need to save a character.









Claim No.:
035920090123

To:
Tim Horton's Head Corporate Office, Oakville, Ontario

Claim:
I bought a cup of your famous coffee this morning but when I asked for soymilk your employees laughed. When I offered to fill in a suggestion card, they laughed even louder.

You may have Tim Bits, but you don't have soymilk. No Dutchie or Apple Fritter can make up for this. I may be a niche market, but we are at least 500,000 strong, 1.5% maybe now-estranged customers.

While I'm at it, besides the soy milk, please hire employees with more naive trust in bureaucracy and less active levels of cynicism.

Yours Truly,
Customer #433 this morning, at the SUNY Buffalo store location









Claim No.:
030720090113

To:
Ann Coulter, Washington, DC

Claim:
Ms. Coulter,

Karma called. And she didn't sound happy.









Claim No.:
034720090122

To:
The people responsible for sending the ice cream truck around my neighborhood playing "It's a Small World."

Claim:
Dear Ice Cream Truck Driver,

In these tough economic times, I realize we all have to make a living somehow. And selling ice cream to kids is a decent gig. But really--can you please just turn off the "It's a Small World" music? I mean, it's gotta be the most horrendous song in the history of the world. And that extra musical flourish at the end is, well, insipid. It's so annoying, it makes my teeth hurt like from the sound of nails on a chalkboard. Maybe you could install a sweet little bell to alert us of your arrival in the neighborhood? If you could just do this one thing for me, I promise to buy some ice cream from you. I noticed that no one in the hood EVER comes out to buy from you so probably my investment will make your day. And help you keep your job - maybe get a promotion off the truck route. I promise if you promise.









Claim No.:
036020090123

To:
Prof. Barrett Watten, Wayne State University

Claim:
Dear Professor Watten,

Can you please explain what being "disjunctively the same" means?

Sincerely,
Your Audience




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All images copyright Tucker Nichols