Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
050920090408

To:
Bottled Water

Claim:
We're on to you, you self-righteous sonofabitch. You're going down.









Claim No.:
037920090127

To:
Seattle garbage collectors

Claim:
Hey guys

I know you work hard at a shitty job, but do you HAVE to leave your truck in reverse the entire time you're emptying my dumpster? I don't even live on the alley side of my building and your incessant beeping still wakes me up.









Claim No.:
045720090226

To:
Pizza

Claim:
Thanks for everything.









Claim No.:
004820080909

To:
Brian France, CEO, NASCAR

Claim:
I just don't get it.









Claim No.:
050320090402

To:
People who don't listen to the menu options when they call Marshall Emergency Services, Kentucky

Claim:
If you want to speak to someone about a bill, press one. It's the first option on the list AND it's the first number on the keypad. It should be the easiest one to find on both counts. I do not work in the billing department. I'm not even exactly sure where the billing department is. I do know that it's not in our building. I don't know anything about your bills, nor do I care to.

I would also like to point out that I do not work in the explain-your-entire-life-situation department or the whine-about-all-of-your-problems department. Please direct those calls elsewhere.









Claim No.:
051620090415

To:
Almost all text on almost all computer screens

Claim:
Why are you so small?????? My eyes, my eyes.









Claim No.:
040620090131

To:
Fox 5 News, WNYW New York

Claim:
You originated the newscast lead-in "It's 10:00 p.m. ... Do you know where your children are?" in 1967. And have used it ever since.

Enough already. We get it.

You think this sort of judgmental fear mongering goes to the heart of a strong, community-standards-oriented, family-first brand. But to most of your audience it's just antiquated, barbaric and repugnant.









Claim No.:
006720080919

To:
Waitstaff, TGIFriday Restaurant, Southfield, MI

Claim:
I find it more than a little depressing to pass a TGIF sign on a Monday morning. Sorry. But it's true.









Claim No.:
028520090102

To:
The Elephants in the Oakland Zoo

Claim:
I've recently become a member of the Oakland Zoo. I've got some mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, my young daughter will understand that we are not alone on this planet, that other animals are not just the stuff of picture books. And I also get the part about conservation efforts and the important place zoos have in trying to save a number of species from extinction.

But let's be honest about this, okay? Y'all are in cages. All of you. Gazelles and Tigers and Chimpanzees. In cages and presented to us as, well, a kind of entertainment. Like the merry-go-round rides nearby. So here's what I want to say to you: I think you're astounding. You are, each of you, unbelievably beautiful. I have been aware of the existence of elephants for over 40 years now, and I'm still shocked by what I see when I see you. And, though you may feel yourself to be many miles from your rightful home; though you have been taken from your own families so that my family, together, can be in your presence; though your savanna is artificial and small and separated from every other animal by insurmountable walls and electrified fences; though your daily routines are regulated and your privacy is violated; though my words are rendered meaningless by the profound indignity that is your manmade shrinking habitat and your manmade forced exile -- still I want to say this:

Thank you.

It is small, yes. But that's all I have right now.









Claim No.:
048320090313

To:
Jackie Stevenson, Attendance Office, South Burlington High School, VT

Claim:
We're sorry for being late to classes and constantly asking you for passes.

The Students









Claim No.:
049220090324

To:
Bojangles' Famous Chicken 'n' Biscuits Franchise HQ, Charlotte, NC

Claim:
I just saw a new Bojangles' commercial on television in which they were bragging about the fact that their biscuits are ALWAYS fresh. How do they do this you ask? They throw them away every TWENTY minutes and make more. GOTTAWANNANEEDGETTA-GIVE ME A BREAK!

I wonder if all the homeless people in the world really care if their biscuit is 20 minutes old.

At least in the midst of this economic crisis we'll be able to sleep soundly knowing we can expect a "FRESH" biscuit in the morning.









Claim No.:
050420090402

To:
Tree pollen

Claim:
Seriously. You've got to stop. Because of you and your shenanigans, it feels like someone is rubbing fiberglass into my eyeballs, I can't breathe, and most of my body is itchy including but not limited to my eyes, ears, nose, throat, and about 35% of my skin. I never did anything to you. It isn't fair that you're doing this to me.









Claim No.:
005520080910

To:
Taiwan Cafe, Boston, MA

Claim:
I lived in Boston for three years. This restaurant was the only good thing about it.









Claim No.:
047920090307

To:
Dwayne Johnson, formerly The Rock

Claim:
Because the best thing about this country is that people can make good by getting good, I'm a fan.









Claim No.:
049620090328

To:
John Williams, composer of the theme song for Raiders of the Lost Ark

Claim:
Boy did you score big with that one! (No pun intended.) Almost thirty years later and I still sometimes hum that "dun da dun dun, dun da dun, dun da dun dun, dun da dun dun dun!" I especially like it when I'm doing something daring.

Bravo!




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All images copyright Tucker Nichols