Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
056320090605

To:
Berkeley YMCA

Claim:
I love Berkeley. And I get it that part of what makes it great here is that people have a little more leeway in general to let it all hang out and do their own thing. I love that.

I also love the Berkeley YMCA. You guys are the best!

What I'm a little less in love with is the wild-eyed, grunting, gesticulating guy who does naked Bikram yoga in the crowded steam room.









Claim No.:
055820090527

To:
The Legal Profession

Claim:
WordPerfect?
Really?
I know the wheels of justice turn slow and all, but this is ridiculous. I'm feeling a definite Betamax vibe.









Claim No.:
054520090512

To:
Mayor Richard Daley, Chicago, IL

Claim:
Please lift the ban of selling spray paint. I'm sick of asking my parents to bring me cans of spray paint. Plus the ban doesn't seem to be working. There is still graffiti everywhere. I've seen kids writing on our back wall with paint brushes, hopefully, this doesn't lead to a ban on brushes.









Claim No.:
035020090122

To:
Women who urinate on the toilet seat in public restrooms

Claim:
Come on, ladies...haven't we as a collective group spent a considerable portion of our lives griping about men who, in general, seem unable to lift a toilet seat? The next time you find yourselves having to make a trip to the ladies room in a public place, please raise the seat! When nature calls, I prefer the sit-down method compared to the hover method and I'm not into sitting in your urine as much as you think I might be.









Claim No.:
053420090428

To:
Jacques Rogge, IOC President, Switzerland

Claim:
Please do not choose Chicago for the 2016 Olympics. It will be a disaster. The CTA is already a mess, as are the roads, and this city and state are corrupt as can be, so money will be wasted and stolen. Don't get me wrong, I love Chicago, but I just don't want the Olympics here.

P.S. Aren't you a little surprised that any city would want the Olympics?









Claim No.:
005920080911

To:
Wells Fargo Bank Marketing Department

Claim:
When I put my card in the ATM this morning an ad popped up on the screen. I've gotten used to this, unfortunately, and can't bring myself to complain about it as a general practice.

My beef is with the content of the ad, which was about planning for one's dreams. It featured a happy couple looking down at a card table that was supporting a jigsaw puzzle. Apparently the couple's dreams involved a trip to Paris, because the puzzle was an image of the Eiffel Tower.

Here's the problem: The tower, which was in the center of the puzzle, was completed. The edges of the puzzle were the part the couple hadn't put together yet. That rang false. Anyone who has ever done a jigsaw puzzle knows that you put the edges together first. It's just how it works.

How can I trust an advertisement about planning that doesn't seem to understand how people get things done? What are you guys trying to say?









Claim No.:
039020090128

To:
Sleep

Claim:
I don't have anything bad to say about you. I just wish you'd visit me more regularly.









Claim No.:
053920090505

To:
The finger

Claim:
Who can I point at now?









Claim No.:
004420080908

To:
Head of bags department, Frito-Lay

Claim:
Laura Scudder, who invented the potato chip bag, would be ashamed at what we've come to. In the pursuit of preserving freshness, we've lost the ability to open a bag of chips neatly and cleanly. Sometimes you can't open the damned things at all. Come on people. We're better than this.









Claim No.:
054720090515

To:
"Sustainability"

Claim:
It's too late.









Claim No.:
054120090507

To:
MoveOn.org

Claim:
I like you guys. I think you do important work. Occasionally, I have sent you a few dollars.

I am not, however, your email buddy, and I have no interest in receiving emails with an emoticon smile as the subject line.

:-) makes me think it's SPAM, or something that an annoying younger cousin sent.

Also, I really don't like that to look up your mailing address just now, I had to make a "commitment to contribute." I put $0.01; I'm not sending it, FYI.









Claim No.:
049820090331

To:
Manager of Union Hall, Brooklyn, NY

Claim:
To the Manager,

I am on a Bocce team that plays at Union Hall on Monday nights. I love coming, I love playing, I love that there is an indoor Bocce court in Brooklyn. Really. I do have a complaint though. If I arrive for my game and find out we are on Court 1 I am devastated, and slightly panicked. Why? Because Court 1 is predictably unpredictable. There is no rhyme or reason to where the ball goes - there is no compensating for occasional veering and veering is not occasional. Perhaps it is because we play after Sat and Sun night leagues? The rake does no good. Can you please level the court - it would make me, and many others, so happy. Thank you.

Sincerely,

A recent convert to Bocce

P.S. Can you put the homemade cookies back on the menu?









Claim No.:
051920090417

To:
Papa John's

Claim:
In Greensboro, NC, you apparently pay somebody to drive around throwing plastic bags with your coupons in them into our driveways. They used to be weighted by pebbles but now you use peppermints.

I would never eat candy I find in my driveway. And now I don't think I will eat your pizza.

Please stop littering up our neighborhood. The mints don't make your pizza or your deals any sweeter.









Claim No.:
053020090425

To:
Whoever's in charge of marketing at Trident Society Cremation Services, Plantation, FL

Claim:
We admit that it got our attention, but ultimately your "Free Pre-paid cremation! DETAILS INSIDE" envelope made it clear you were NOT our first choice as my wife and I consider--admittedly for the first time--who we might hire to burn our bodies after we've taken our last breaths.









Claim No.:
051020090408

To:
The youth

Claim:
Take care of your teeth. Really. Listen to whatever music you want, defy authority like crazy, stay out late, pierce and ink everything. But floss. It'll save you a world of trouble later on.




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All images copyright Tucker Nichols