Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
003020080830

To:
Yolanda Baez, Bluefly.com shipment packing specialist

Claim:
In an episode of his TV show, Mr. Monk writes a letter to (and later, sensing that something is wrong, visits and solves a case on behalf of) shirt Inspector No. 8. Of all those who inspect the only shirts Mr. Monk ever buys, No. 8 is his favorite, which he demonstrates in a department store by sifting through and unwrapping an entire stack of shirts in search of her work. The text of his letter reads:

"Dear Inspector #8, I wish to express my deepest and warmest thanks for your stunning performance as clothing inspector. It's a pleasure to deal with someone who possesses such artistic integrity. Your job aptitude is something to be admired and inspired by. Every item which passes your inspection is impeccably produced and presented. The buttons are perfectly straight. The stitching is even and orderly. There are no hanging or pulled strings, marks or wrinkles. The finished product is perfectly folded... Thank you again. My appreciation knows no bounds. Sincerely, Adrian Monk"

I know how Mr. Monk feels (in a less OCD way). I have purchased more clothing from Bluefly.com than I care to admit, and I can say without reservation that you are my favorite shipment packing specialist. Every order you have ever sent me has been perfect.

Thank you.









Claim No.:
002420080807

To:
Most ATM machines

Claim:
it's hard to communicate whether your card should be strip up or down with the diagram provided near most keypads. they should rethink the diagram. they are not consistent. seconds of my life going to waste flipping it this way and that, feeling dumb, trying to get and spend my money.









Claim No.:
002520080808

To:
Manny Ramirez

Claim:
I have always loved your easy breazy spirit, goofy demeanor, and remarkable poise under pressure. You were my favorite. But i don't think i can ever forgive the way you left Boston. Do you really need the money that badly that you would flake out on your contract, fake injuries, and say that you're sick of the place where you are adored? How dare you! It's fine if you had to go, but the way you did it sickens me. Your bridge to my heart is burned.









Claim No.:
002620080815

To:
Sprague's Lobster

Claim:
Here's the thing: I want to love Sprague's. Right across the street is this other lobster place that is super famous--TODAY show, NY Times, etc. But I like the underdog. Also, I don't like lines, and the other place has one down the street from morning to night during summer. So every time I'm in Wiscasset I go to Sprague's and proudly order my un-famous lobster roll or fish sandwich. And yet every time the food is disappointing. So this is less of a complaint than a plea to Sprague's for us to do it as a team: you make the food taste good, I'll come back every time. Together, we'll show them.









Claim No.:
001920080805

To:
Chick-fil-A

Claim:
Why are your chicken sandwiches so delicious, but I am a vegetarian. Will you ever make a vegetarian Chick-fil-A chicken sandwich?









Claim No.:
001320080803

To:
The Mayor of Laguna Beach, CA

Claim:
The Zoning Board in Laguna Beach allowed a local restaurant to expand even though the additional customers will cause a parking nightmare for a small neighborhood in Laguna. The Zoning Board cares more about the additional tax dollars created by adding seats in a restaurant for tourists than about the residents who live in the community. Acts like this have changed the complexion Laguna Beach and are driving out many of the people that gave Laguna its charm.
The case went all the way to the Mayor and City Council where they voted to allow the expansion. To paraphrase a dissenting opinion, one wise city council member stated that although this expansion follows the letter of the law, the job of the City Council is to protect the spirit of the community and by making this decision the Council is not upholding its promise. The Council was split two votes apiece and Mayor Egly broke the tie in favor of the restaurant over her constituents that she swore to represent. It was a sad day in the OC.









Claim No.:
001420080803

To:
Vermont

Claim:
How embarrassing. I learned recently that it is not you but your neighbor New Hampshire who lives free or dies. I admit that I have never really been able to tell you apart.

Related:
Vermont







Claim No.:
002120080806

To:
The Neighbor Who Keeps Me Awake Fucking

Claim:
I have no problem with, and even applaud, people who have regular, satisfying sex. When that sex is on a bed that must be made of the ancient, rusty metal remains of the Titanic that squeaks like it is crying out in agony and can be heard by all neighbors near, next to, below, or behind...well then I do have a problem. Because you're making of love is always at a time when I'm trying to sleep. No one can sleep through loud Titanic squeaky sex...no one.









Claim No.:
002220080806

To:
North County Transit District, San Diego, CA

Claim:
The San Diego Coaster commuter train has become party central for drunken teenagers traveling from North County to downtown to attend Padres baseball games. These children cannot handle their liquor and their behavior is obnoxious and toxic to the daily commuters like me who would like to relax on our ride home from work. Everyone, even the train conductors and security guards, knows that those Super Big Gulp containers are filled with vodka, but the underage drinking and resulting behavior issues are allowed by the NCTD to continue.









Claim No.:
000320080730

To:
Thrifty Rental Car

Claim:
Rental cars should ding when they are low on fuel. Because it's especially frustrating running out of gas on roads you aren't familiar with. Standard power windows would be nice too.









Claim No.:
000420080730

To:
Vermont

Claim:
In the phrase "Live Free or Die" I would like to get some clarification about what "free" means.

Related:
Vermont







Claim No.:
000720080730

To:
Night-shift driver of NYC taxicab 8C86

Claim:
The night-shift driver of taxicab 8C86 should really get some shuteye; a sleepy driver is a scary driver.









Claim No.:
001020080731

To:
Sunny Valley Motel, Wolf Creek, OR

Claim:
A few years ago, my girlfriend and I pulled into this motel at around midnight to get some sleep after a long day of driving. The name sounded good and it felt good to support a local business. The woman who checked us in was gloomy and mean, as if under the spell of a powerful witch. When we went around the back to our room, we immediately noticed the large swastika and pentagram burned onto the wall above the bed. The bathroom mirror was cracked and there were pockmarks from lit cigarettes along the bathtub and toilet. There were no sheets. The woman refunded our money without saying a word and we slept at the Motel 6 down the street.

I'm not sure where to begin but I recommend a general refurbish of the rooms as a good start in helping turn the business around.




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All images copyright Tucker Nichols