Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
005720080910

To:
Lance Armstrong

Claim:
Lance,

Very few athletes earn the opportunity to transcend sport. You have. And, for the most part, at least in terms of your public mission, you've made a good start on trying to make the world better.

Now, please listen. Don't screw it up.

Muhammad Ali. That's where you want to end up: a cultural icon, symbol of significant social change, someone who has mattered. Roger Clemens. That's the nightmare no sense of public service and renewed public attention to your foibles can bring. Tiger Woods. The power to change the world for the better. Michael Jordan. A wasted opportunity to transcend, lost in the irrelevancies of his sport, a commercial triumph and a cultural zero.

This is hard to say because watching you accelerate away from your rivals up a major climb, touch the hand of one who stuck with you all the way to the top at the finish, and wait for one who fell on the way down to catch up are memories I cherish. You've made me fiercely proud more times than seems entirely sane to me. And being the person who did all of that must make this even harder to hear. But here goes.

Don't come back for the wrong reasons. Think long-term, and long and hard. Don't squander the larger platform you've already earned, which is so much more important than winning an 8th Tour. I know you're floundering a bit; you're still young and have a lot of energy. But don't go backwards out of boredom or hunger to regain the world's attention.

I started out meaning to say: Lance, don't do it. I can't say that. Because I want to see it too. But the success rate of hall-of-fame, all-time-great-caliber comebacks--in all sports--is very low, and it would be painful to see you tarnish your long-term potential.

So, if you're determined to just do it, please just do it right. Make it about more than you. Whatever happens, find the way to rise above. Make it count.









Claim No.:
004920080909

To:
Kim Jong Il, Pyongyang

Claim:
Dear Leader,

I have just heard about your stroke. That sucks!

While I think that some of your policies are questionable, I have always been hip to your suits. After you start feeling better, I think that we should try and market them over here in the States. Who knows? Everyone could use a little extra scratch.

Feel better!









Claim No.:
004720080908

To:
Occupants, 221 Main St., 6th Floor

Claim:
Don't talk on the cell phone in the elevator.









Claim No.:
002720080822

To:
Officer Paul Stephens of the San Marcos, TX PD

Claim:
When you found that a car you pulled over for speeding contained a dying dog being rushed to the hospital by its desperate owners, you said (on video) "It's just a dog. You can buy another one. Relax."

For his part, Gandhi said "You can judge a society by the way it treats its animals." I guess that makes me a bad person for wanting to kick your ass.









Claim No.:
006020080912

To:
Clerk, Wigon Office Supply

Claim:
"Thumb Tack" is a better name for it than "Push Pin."

It just is.









Claim No.:
003720080905

To:
Alice Waters, Slow Food Nation

Claim:
I was unfortunately quite frustrated with my experiences at your recent Slow Food Nation festival. Not that the food wasn't good...it was, of course. But the execution was not effective in achieving what I understood to be its outreach and advocacy-building efforts on the part of Slow Food principles.

To me it was a lost, very high profile opportunity to take this movement to the next level by becoming more accessible to a broader audience and civic forum, in order to affect change in the daily choices people make as well as the values that are supported in our communities.

My personal frustration started with a the non-intuitive, not user-friendly nature of the website interface. It continued at a Slow Dinner, which should have felt special and focused, and should have maximized the opportunity to appeal to a self-selected target group, but ended up feeling as if we could have been at any generic dinner event. And culminated in the confounding experience of the Taste marketplace, where the education component was too quiet and the event experience was frustrating to navigate.

Needless to say I was desperately disappointed. I am so bothered by the differential between what it could have been and what it was, that I am completely dedicated to helping make it better in future iterations.

Yours truly, An Impassioned Slow Observer









Claim No.:
005020080909

To:
Danny Kean, www.travelingpiano.com

Claim:
Heard you bang out a few bars while I was walking down Canal St in NY. Your boogie woogie rumble put a wide grin on my mug.

[A reply has been posted]









Claim No.:
005120080909

To:
Minh at Minh's Garden

Claim:
Open the restaurant on Sunday. Sunday is the second busiest day of the week on Clement St. You're losing out on a lot of business. I've spoken to you and I know things are a bit slow. You initially started closing on Sundays to spend time at home with your young children. Those kids are now older no longer hanging around the home on Sundays. Close on Monday or Tuesday instead..these days are among the slowest.









Claim No.:
006120080912

To:
Telstar Logistics

Claim:
You claim to serve Air, Sea, Land and Space - ostensibly natural phenomena, or well, maybe just things that exist, whether man does or not.

But in fact, you are primarily concerned with humankind and its industrial byproduct. The fact that man's production uses air, sea, land, space is almost incidental and fully for its own means.

I think you should be honest.









Claim No.:
001820080805

To:
All housemakers who encourage carbon copy abodes

Claim:
I come from New Zealand where the trend of suburbs full of identical houses is only just getting into full swing. Apart from my personal dislike of their uninteresting aesthetic, it is a horribly inefficient use of space and, despite everyone seemingly being "equal," quashes all sense of community.









Claim No.:
002820080822

To:
Sonoma City Council

Claim:
To support the trend towards healthier, locally grown food, lower transportation costs, and reduce the city's carbon footprint the Sonoma City Council proposed a measure to allow residents to keep 16 chickens (but no roosters--too noisy) and 8 rabbits (sex unspecified). Before the proposal goes to a final vote, I suggest they seek expert advice--maybe from a biology teacher at a local high school. Because even to the agriculturally unsophisticated that sounds a lot like a recipe for ending up with 1,000,000 rabbits and no chickens.









Claim No.:
003820080905

To:
Michigan

Claim:
Michigan is my favorite state. It has had its share of troubles over the past couple of years and I am hoping this postcard will be a turning point for this wonderful state.









Claim No.:
004120080906

To:
Manager, Acme Market

Claim:
In your professional opinion, why do you think it took mayonnaise so long to come up with the squeeze bottle? Mustard's been hip to this for half a century.









Claim No.:
003120080904

To:
City Attorney Julie O. Bru, Miami, FL

Claim:
Based on the New York Times' recent reporting on the peacocks of Micanopy Ave., it seems clear that "peacock infiltration" has officially occurred. And that you must, therefore, act.

The artist Rachel Goodyear offers a practical suggestion for how to control these insidiously conceited animals.

Related:
The people of La CaƱada Flintridge, terrorized by peacocks







Claim No.:
003220080904

To:
www.EarthClassMail.com

Claim:
Is nothing sacred to you people? I LIKE opening my mail. I don't want to pay a monthly fee so I can access my real mail fakely on the Internet. I don't even want other people to only look at their mail online. Are you going to let me pay to eat my tuna sandwich virtually too? Please have some respect for the real world. Save the mail.




Prev 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 Next
 


All images copyright Tucker Nichols