Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
004220080907

To:
The Owner of Manna Cafe, Brooklyn

Claim:
Maybe you've heard it before, but everyone in the neighborhood wants your place to be great. And, unfortunately, it's just ok. You can win us all back. We want you to win. But you're 50 feet from one of the best coffee places in Brooklyn and around the corner from a great falafel place. It's going to be hard. Make some changes. Get a better croissant supplier. Make a richer hot chocolate. Tweak that falafel recipe. We're rooting for you.









Claim No.:
008820081003

To:
Black Pepper

Claim:
Salt is doing all the heavy lifting in your relationship. You should feel damned lucky you got paired up with her. Damned lucky.









Claim No.:
010220081007

To:
The NCAA Football Issues Committee

Claim:
Please make drinking legal in all university football stadiums. My town is ravaged by early morning, television-addicted, red-state, Palin-worshiping, Jack Daniels guggling SEC football fans every home game, all trying to drown themselves in booze before they go in the gates, as alcohol is prohibited during the game. If they could drink like regular NFL football fans, perhaps they would be less inclined to get obliterated so early on in the day, and in such a rush! My walk to work during these days would be tolerable, our town would not be littered with blue and red plastic cups for three days afterwards, and less people would go to the hospital to have their stomachs pumped, I believe. It's simply backwards. Allow them their Budweiser and we will all be the better for it: colleges will be richer, the people healthier, the town cleaner and more sane.

A concerned business owner in Athens, Georgia
(Go Dawgs!)









Claim No.:
006520080917

To:
Milton Bradley Company c/o Hasbro, Inc.

Claim:
Missing Ice Cube

Why in the world wouldn't Hasbro continue to make Milton Bradley's brilliant game Ice Cube? Since my mother donated our copy to children in need one Christmas in the early 80's, I have been desperately searching garage sales, thrift shops and basements for a replacement to no avail. And I am not able to swing the $350 it would take to win it on an Ebay auction. I implore you to put those little ice men back into production, so that we may torture them once again.









Claim No.:
010920081009

To:
David Remnick, The New Yorker

Claim:
I know you have a business to run, but the thick-paged ads in your special issues are for things I can't afford--and they get in the way of otherwise worthwhile material. This week's politics issue, for example, would have a lot more to say without all the glossy schlock.









Claim No.:
009220081004

To:
Moody's Diner
Waldoboro, Maine

Claim:
When it comes to lobster rolls, there is a genuine and thriving debate--at least among the features editors of the travel and food magazines that rely on such things to fill their pages--about what type of roll is best and about where to find it. My wife and I believe that Red's Eats should lay claim to the title. But we are open-minded enough to recognize that reasonable people may differ.

When it comes to pie, however, let me say for the record that I publicly ridicule the sanity of any ass, fool, idiot, imbecile who doesn't recognize your chocolate cream pie as among the finest baked goods on the eastern seaboard, or any other.









Claim No.:
009420081004

To:
The person(s) living in our old house

Claim:
Hi. We used to live here.

We moved out in a hurry and didn't get a chance to paint all of the walls. Sorry that some walls look "splotchy" that's because we had a small amount of a lot of different shades of white. I never knew that white came in so many shades. I hope you enjoy the shed that I left behind in the side yard. That is, if the landlord didn't remove it for himself. If he didn't then I guess that kinda makes up for the "splotchy" walls.

Have an enjoyable day!









Claim No.:
009120081004

To:
David Brooks,
New York Times

Claim:
It is disheartening that a person so serious as to have written an entire column lamenting the vapidness of Obama's convention speech, would fall so hard for the underdeveloped know-nothing-conservative gynoid the Republicans have nominated for Vice President.

I for one would like to hear your honest, content-oriented (rather than horse-race-spinning) evaluation of her debate performance.









Claim No.:
008920081003

To:
Governor Sarah Palin

Claim:
Congratulations on your better-than-expected debate performance. It will remind anyone who has ever been a teacher of the most disappointing type of student--those who show, as you did, that you can remember and regurgitate an enormous amount of material about the issues of the day, without understanding anything about any of them.









Claim No.:
008620081003

To:
test
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Claim:
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Claim No.:
006420080916

To:
San Francisco Opera

Claim:
Congratulations on the $40 million donation! Now, can you maybe earmark some of the money and get some better graphic design? The ads in the Chron and especially the lamppost banners are embarrassingly bad.









Claim No.:
004020080906

To:
Ginny Lewis, Director, Nevada DMV, Carson City, NV

Claim:
A four-way stop is a totally different thing than a two-way stop. Shouldn't there be two different kinds of signs?









Claim No.:
006620080918

To:
Robin Blum, Brooklyn

Claim:
As I was passing through my old neighborhood, you invited me in for dinner so that we could catch up with one another and talk about our families and the good times we had. You were so generous to make dinner for me and I was thankful.

However, my appetite took over and I finished off all of the Buffalo Wings. I know your husband was coming home later and I was polishing off his dinner. I felt terrible about it but could not resist the Buffalo Wings. The cold beer only made it more difficult.

I would like to apologize.

Lee









Claim No.:
006920080926

To:
Dog walkers, Sao Paulo, Brazil

Claim:
Please, please pick up your dog's shit! It' s just horrible to have them around, to step on them, and even just to smell them when it's too damn hot.









Claim No.:
006320080915

To:
City of SF / Gavin Newsom

Claim:
there's no art / poetry in BART stations / on trains




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