Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
052620090422

To:
Sheffield Manor Homeowners Association, Bristow, VA

Claim:
My "fit" neighbor works out on his treadmill in front of his window that "conveniently" is missing blinds.

Please demand some sort of cover. There are children in the neighborhood.









Claim No.:
057320090629

To:
The Greeters at the Wal-Mart in Pratt, Kansas

Claim:
This isn't about the union busting, outsourced child labor or destruction to main street, so you can relax.

I'm curious, though. Is it just me or do you see a connection between the presence of an entire aisle of sour cream and the absence of men's pants in a size below 38?









Claim No.:
058120090708

To:
Brew-Ha-Ha, Wilmington, Delaware

Claim:
I love your coffee! It is better than any of the big chain coffee houses. But I sure wish that you would fix the water spigot in the restroom so that it doesn't spray all over me when I try to wash my hands. It has been that way for a long time. And while you are at it, try scrubbing around the sink fixtures to make them look cleaner. Like I said, "I love the coffee!"--and your employees are usually very nice, too.









Claim No.:
057720090705

To:
Director of The Tour de France

Claim:
I'm a big fan of cycling: I ride every day, and and I follow the pros. But it strikes me as un-environmental that the TDF riders randomly toss their water bottles into the French countryside. If F1 drivers tossed empty fast food bags into the streets of Monaco, or pro skiers threw empty wrappers from their pockets in the starting gate, we'd all be up in arms. You need to clean up your sport's environmental image - and specifically, ban tossing empty water bottles into nature. If riders can't pee off their bikes within city limits on Tour, why can they pollute with no consequence?









Claim No.:
055720090526

To:
Rugged Individualism

Claim:
You served us well, my friend. And I really will miss you. But the frontier is pretty well zipped up and we've got to live together now or the ice caps will melt, the bankers will walk away with all the money, the uninsured will die, and we'll never educate ourselves out of the mess you've gotten us into. So step back and let us figure out how to cooperate a little, okay?









Claim No.:
057520090630

To:
Michael Jackson

Claim:
They save people who go into cardiac arrest all the time. Why couldn't they save you?

I wish I'd said something nice to you before you died. When I first heard about the hospital, I promised myself I'd send you a card, but then you were gone.









Claim No.:
054820090518

To:
Brushless Car Wash, San Rafael, CA

Claim:
You people do a nice job washing cars. But every time I bring my car in to be washed you try to sell me the Ultra Deluxe wax job, which costs $200. You get very pushy about it, and try to demonstrate on my hood how great my car will look. News flash: I drive a '92 baby blue Volkswagen, if I had money for $200 car washes I'd probably have at least an '02. Don't get me wrong, I love my life, mega-bucks just isn't part of it.









Claim No.:
003920080906

To:
Management, Muzi Motors, Needham Hts, MA

Claim:
I know you guys just sell the cars. You don't design them. But if you could get word up the chain of command on this, I think you'd move a lot more merch.

Why do cars come with only one horn sound? There should be different sounds for different kinds of honking. "Out of my way" should sound different than "I love your bumper sticker" or "I'm here to pick you up."

And don't get me started on blinkers. Right or left? That's the best we can do?









Claim No.:
055920090529

To:
Amy Sedaris

Claim:
Dear Amy,

I like you more than your brother.

I have read three of his books and heard some of his radio pieces...he is very awesome. You on the other hand, I have only seen a few pictures and read one short essay from "Home Studio Home." I like you a little more than him even so. Don't ask why because I am not sure.









Claim No.:
052020090417

To:
The Commonwealth of Massachusetts

Claim:
It annoys me to see smug cops standing around construction sites, collecting overtime pay, when I know other states pay a lot less for some random person, with even a smidge of common sense, to basically stand up with their eyes open.









Claim No.:
052920090424

To:
Michelle Obama

Claim:
Dear Mrs. Obama,

The organic victory garden made me cry. These little symbolic things do matter. Thanks.









Claim No.:
049920090331

To:
The United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (formally the INS)

Claim:
I choose feeding my kids over hiring a lawyer, which I would have to do, according to your regulations and rules, to be able to advance any further in this "naturalization" process.

For now, I'll continue using my illegitimate social security number.









Claim No.:
048420090316

To:
Cadbury Chocolate Co.

Claim:
I've always been a fan of Cadbury, noting to friends and family that you make superior chocolate bars. But lately it's been tasting a bit like cardboard. What gives?









Claim No.:
056020090529

To:
Tanya Nielsen, bus driver, Golden Gate Transit, Marin County, CA

Claim:
The best bus driver ever! I took your #10 into San Francisco this evening and the trip actually put a smile on my face. You had nice words for everyone--regulars, newcomers like me, Spanish speakers, Japanese tourists. Because of you there was good cheer, there were strangers talking to each other, there was no stress even though it was rush hour. It might sound cheesy but I felt like you made our bus a little community. People like you make me think: maybe we're not doomed after all!

Hooray for Tanya Nielsen!









Claim No.:
049320090326

To:
Former Texas Senator Phil Gramm

Claim:
I want to complain about your gutting of the Glass-Steagall Act, your legislation that promoted mega-mergers and your legislation that deregulated derivatives.

Has anyone's individual acts caused more damage to his country?




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All images copyright Tucker Nichols