Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
005320080910

To:
Magnolia Bakery, New York City

Claim:
These guys think they're sooooo great. It's just a fucking cupcake! Not even that good a one. Really.









Claim No.:
013920081108

To:
The People of San Francisco

Claim:
To my fellow citizens:

Street sweeping has been cut down to twice a month and it's beginning to show. In the Outer Richmond, where I live, our streets are looking like Tumbleweed Alley, only instead of sagebrush it's Examiners, diapers, and coffee cups tumbling down the way.

Instead of griping about reduced services it's time we each do our part. Our beloved City has come upon hard times so now is the time to step it up. Let's go people! See some trash: pick it up!









Claim No.:
013620081105

To:
IKEA

Claim:
Please put in a tiny bit more effort and get price/name/barcode stickers for your products that do not leave a mess all over the thing I have just spent my money on.









Claim No.:
013820081108

To:
Commissioner Daus, New York City Taxi & Limousine Commission

Claim:
Dear Commissioner Daus,

NYC taxis are awesome. They are (usually) plentiful, quick and quite affordable (when compared to taxis in other cities). Most taxi drivers are at least marginally courteous and not one of them has ever gotten me killed.

I know that these drivers work long hours without breaks, and that stopping to pee is often out of the question. And really, you can't hold it forever; solutions are required! I beg of you please, however, to direct the drivers to dispose of their pee-filled Snapple and Poland Spring bottles in the proper receptacles. NOT at the base of the leafy trees that line my street, NOT in the gutter. They are very unsightly and even worse to trip over.

Like taxis, public trash cans are plentiful in our fine city. Can't they please just put those bottles there?

Love,
New York









Claim No.:
011620081013

To:
ReadyMade Magazine

Claim:
Must you send so many renewal notices? I've barely received my first issue, yet you're already pleading with me to re-subscribe. I know the publishing industry has its rules, but I'd like to be able to read my ReadyMade in peace.









Claim No.:
014120081109

To:
Brian Sykes, SleepAction

Claim:
Listen, I saw you and your band at Club Relavant the other day. I was staring at you the whole time. You are so amazing. Hopefully we meet in the future, I love you.









Claim No.:
011820081016

To:
Teach for America

Claim:
Dear Teach for America,

Could there be a more inferior idea in the history of education than throwing completely inexperienced recent college graduates with no training in education into the worst schools in America? Only to pull them out, en masse, two years later? WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING. You've turned us into hopeless bitches. And what's more, you're hurting our kids. No wonder you got a shout out from McCain.

Relentlessly,
Your 2008 Corps









Claim No.:
011920081017

To:
The City of London

Claim:
I counted 36 cranes on your skyline on October 17, 2008. That's too many.









Claim No.:
012920081104

To:
Barack Obama, President

Claim:
Hell yes.









Claim No.:
013220081104

To:
8th Election District, New York

Claim:
Need more voting booths. Hurry.









Claim No.:
012520081024

To:
The guy who puts up the toilet paper curtains in the men's room, Channel Thirteen, 7th Floor, New York City

Claim:
Every day, you come into our bathroom, go into the far toilet stall and unwind a really long stretch of toilet paper which you then hang down over the slim gap between the door and the wall. I guess you're seeking privacy, but it's time to stop. Not only is it wasteful, and makes a mess when your curtain inevitably falls to the floor, but most importantly: none of us out at the urinals or the sinks really care what you're up to in there. We're not judgmental people--do your thing, whatever it is, and be confident we won't peek.









Claim No.:
008320081003

To:
Moms of Mill Valley, California

Claim:
Listen here, Moms. I don't care how cute your kid is. The existence of your little Madison/Griffin/Chelsea does not exempt you from basic social etiquette. What I mean: Don't sit your kid on the store counter and let him bang his heels against the wall while you blather on to your friend about choosing the right kind of organic juicebox. Don't block the bike lane with your not-so-mini minivan while you pick the kid up from Waldorf pre-school. Don't yammer away on your cell phone, oblivious to the rest of the world, while blocking the entire aisle of the farmers market with your double-wide stroller. And please, don't be so goddamn afraid of every stranger you DO manage to notice. We are not a threat to your family. In fact, we don't care one way or another about you or your children, we just want you to be quiet, polite, and get out of the way. Thanks.









Claim No.:
012420081022

To:
Commissioner of Baseball

Claim:
Throughout life, if it went over there, you point in one direction. If it went over here, you point in another direction. Why then is a Major League Baseball strike the only time the umpire points in a direction after a pitch?

Instead, if its a ball point your hand/arm to the direction it went...left, upper-left, lower-left, right, upper-right, lower-right. You don't need to point when the ball comes straight down the middle. Although a fist vertically in the air, with the arm at 45 degrees and the other arm crossed over the bent one sure would add a new meaning to STRIKE!!!









Claim No.:
010720081009

To:
New Account Managers, Wieden + Kennedy Advertising Agency, Portland, OR

Claim:
The most important thing you can do right now to get me to buy the products you're trying to sell? Stop making ads that use fake kid's art.

I understand the temptation: You want clean lines. You want unambiguous colors. You don't want people to have to work too hard to figure out if something's supposed to be an airplane or a hot dog bun. I get it. But, honestly, the very best fake kid's art is, in every way, less compelling than the very worst real kid's art. Trust me on this. If I see one more ad with the triangle dress on the stick-figure girl sporting curly yellow hair, with the sun in the corner, all executed in computer-generated "crayon" mode, I'll vomit on the spot.

Same goes for fake kid's writing, which, if anything, is even more egregious. The backwards "S" isn't cute. It demeans kids and the adults who, through love and blackmail, buy them the crap they ask for.









Claim No.:
011720081015

To:
Mr Hubert Guyot,
CEO Yarra Trams, Melbourne

Claim:
Do we really need secret, plain clothes ticket inspecters? It makes ticket-holding passengers uncomfortable when someone, seemingly a fellow passenger, suddenly flashes a badge and asks to see your ticket.




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All images copyright Tucker Nichols