Anonymous Postcard: Claims










Claim No.:
020420081204

To:
Hanukkah

Claim:
With the tanking economy and poor sales of big ticket items, I think there's a real opportunity to gain a little ground on Christmas this year.

Hanukkah's always been smaller, and that's just what people will be looking for this time around. Strike while the iron's hot.









Claim No.:
024720081215

To:
Capitalism

Claim:
I always knew you were a dirtbag.

Related:
Capitalism







Claim No.:
021420081204

To:
Piedmont Natural Gas
Charlotte, NC

Claim:
Starbucks has a holiday blend. They've got special pumpkin muffins, too.

I read somewhere that natural gas is essentially odorless and that you folks add something to it so the scent alerts us to the fact that we've left the stove on or our water heater pipes are leaking. Why not give your gas a special pine-tree smell during the Christmas holidays? It would make things more festive.









Claim No.:
022520081208

To:
The overseers of the teams of jetpack-leafblower-sporting gardeners who work in my neighborhood, Washington, DC

Claim:
OUCH! You are hurting my ears. What's wrong with using a good, old-fashioned (quiet, if scratchy-sounding) rake? We have airplanes flying over our house 18 hours a day and you drown them out. If it's that bad for me, what about your gardeners?









Claim No.:
022220081207

To:
Capitalism

Claim:
I still think you're OK.

Related:
Capitalism







Claim No.:
014320081113

To:
Phoenix Mars lander, now in hibernation to survive the minus 240 to minus 300 degree Martian winter

Claim:
Hang in there. We'll be listening for the sounds of your resurgent solar-powered circuits come spring.

[A reply has been posted]









Claim No.:
023320081211

To:
Governor Blagojevich, Illinois

Claim:
The corruption is one thing; but that hair is unforgivable.









Claim No.:
021320081204

To:
Sette Restaurant, Brooklyn, NY

Claim:
Techno? At brunch?









Claim No.:
017220081128

To:
Harvest Urban Market
San Francisco, CA

Claim:
Dear Harvest,

Your sandwiches are really, really good. You use fancy pants ingredients that we normally wouldn't stock in our refrigerators, and we like that. It's kind of like going to a foreign country, but one that makes really good sandwiches. There is one thing about your sandwich preparation that drives us CRAZY, though. When you cut our sandwiches in "two," it seems the goal of the deli technician is to leave a 2-5 millimeter membrane of bread crust connecting the twin sections of the sandwich, rather than fully separating them. Invariably we try rendering these sections apart by hand leaving a trail of becondimented meat, vegetables and cheese all over our lunch table. It's a sad sight to behold. Is there any way we can convince you to "go all the way" with us (and the sandwich)? Just commit to two sandwich halves and we'll be yours forever.

In closing, let me just state for the record, and in case you are feeling personal offense at this letter, that this seems to be a nationwide problem. Somebody, at some point, in the early days of sandwichmaking must have taught students the "art of not separating the halves," as I have run into this problem just about everywhere I eat sandwiches in the USA. So chin up, I'm just acting locally for the betterment of all those who choose to dine out for lunch.

Sandwich independence can start with you!









Claim No.:
017420081130

To:
My fiance, Nappanee, IN

Claim:
YOU NEED TO MARRY HER!









Claim No.:
015120081121

To:
Bill collectors

Claim:
I am a poor college student with very little money and if I just so happen to miss one very small payment, $20 to be exact, on a card with a total limit of $300, can you cut me a little slack? Yes, I was late on my payment. Yes, I know, it's your job. But do you have to be so pushy? It's one thing to hassle me, but did you have to call my work too? To be quite honest, I was embarrassed. Have some sympathy? Please?

Sincerely,

Struggling Student









Claim No.:
016420081126

To:
Alan Ball, HBO

Claim:
You've made really good TV shows like Six Feet Under and True Blood, and I am wondering if you can fix Heroes...it really sucks.









Claim No.:
015420081124

To:
NPR

Claim:
Hey NPR,

I listen to you a lot, and I like the music that you play in the spaces in between stories. Regardless of the show I'm listening to, be it: Fresh Air, Morning Addition, All Things Considered, I am perpetually frustrated by the slow upload time of the "musical interludes" posted on your website.

I get so excited to know who that song was that I rush onto the website only to get this message: "This show's music interludes are not yet posted. Please check back later." That's the worst kind of radio blueballs. Please. Please. Don't make me wait. By the time you get around to it, I won't be interested.

Sincerely,
Frustrated

[A reply has been posted]









Claim No.:
016220081126

To:
Aisle blocker, American Airlines Flight 453, Dallas to Portland

Claim:
Holiday travel--even in these stay-home-to-save depression days--is cumbersome enough without your navel-gazing blockade. Move it.









Claim No.:
015720081124

To:
The turkeys

Claim:
Things might get bad for you all the sudden. Like unrecognizably bad.




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All images copyright Tucker Nichols